When Love Takes Over

I have met someone. Someone beautiful in every sense of the word. Someone I would like to grow with and experience the world with. Someone I want to share life with. Someone I want to belong to. But I am afraid that I might have forgotten how to..

Why is it so difficult to enter a new relationship without feeling a haunting presence of relationships past? Whenever meeting someone new you should at least give them a fair shot at the game before ruining everything by comparing them to your exes.

But what if your previous relationships have caused you a great amount of pain and grief and left deep scars inside? Should you refrain from ever attempting another relationship in fear of getting hurt further more or should you try and wipe the slate clean and start from scratch?

Meeting Christofer was unexpected. It happened when I wanted it the least but needed it the most.This gorgeous man stole my attention and bit by bit he stole my heart too. At the beginning I thought it was just a short lived fling but little did I know it would turn into something meaningful and lead me to wake up every morning with him on my mind and a smile on my face.
At first I acted like a jerk towards him. I admit that. I wasn’t ready for something that serious and I suppose my defence mechanism kicked in to see just how serious he was about the whole thing.In all honesty, I feel ashamed for how I acted. I was pushing him away subconsciously so that he’d dislike me, end this whole story and then I wouldn’t end up getting hurt. Instead I was the one doing the hurting.

Second time round I had time to reflect on what had happened and how I acted. When I saw him the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. I realised just how wrong I was and I was happy that he still felt the same. I felt lucky. We spent some great days together and suddenly it was time for me to head back to London. He was going to work on the cruise ship and we weren’t going to see each other for over 3 weeks.

I guess the realisation of that fact woke up a whole bunch of dormant insecurities inside me and I started to freak out about the whole situation. Needless to say I have never been very good at these long distance type of situations yet I always seem to find myself in them – one way or another.Suddenly, the ‘ghosts of relationships past’ came to haunt me. I started feeling insecure about the whole thing. Why was he so interested in me? What could I possibly offer him? He’s hot and muscled while my definition has faded away since I haven’t been to the gym for months.My confidence flailed and I started to create a stupid scenario in my head – comparing him to some of the bastards I’ve dated in the past. I worked myself up about it and started to cause issues when there weren’t any. At one point I thought I had completely blown it. I let my insecurities take the better of me and we ended up having an argument. I felt awful.I couldn’t believe I had acted like that.

To my relief he wasn’t scared off that easily and we worked things out.Now I can’t wait for him to arrive. 6 days and counting. 6 days too long.I want to hold him in my arms and tell him how much he means to me. How sorry I am for acting like a jerk and somehow try and make it up to him.

And then of course there’s the make up sex. I’m not gonna say no to that.It’s the best type of sex to be had.. Apparently.. :)

I want to let him know that I am serious about this. That I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be with him and to make this work. That I want to experience the world with him. That I want to make his dreams come true. Make sure he wakes up each morning with a smile on his face. I want him to know that I will be there for him, no matter what. I want him to feel that he can count on me. Rely on me. Depend on me. I want him to be happy..

I have laid the ghosts of relationships past to rest. I have wiped the slate clean and I am entering this next chapter with a blank canvas. I just can’t wait to see the finished masterpiece. But that could be eons away..

Dan x