Monday, October 09, 2006 - back dated!

LOST - and I aint talkin bout the TV show!

Hello again,

now there's something bothering me lately. I'm starting to get that feeling again. You know that itchy-scratchy-what-to-do-with-myself-restlessness. I've been thinking about my life, choices I've made and things I've done. There's been a lot of things going on in my life. But never anything I can say I'm proud of.. Not 100% anyway. Apart from moving to London and making it all on my own - with a little help from my freinds.

But it's not enough. Every day I'm reminded of how flawed our world is and how people struggle to make ends meet and survive. It seems that everything boils down to Familly and having people to rely on . But what happens when you DON'T have a familly to rely on? Will your friends be there until the end? (I know they will - but you know what I mean) What will happen when we grow old and have noone to turn to? As a gay man there are absolutely no guarantees that you'll have someone to age with and having a baby, hmmm.. Lets not even tread down that path. Now THAT would be enough for me to want to be a woman!

I'm sure I'd make a really good mother, given the chance. But that's never gonna happen so I'm more than prepared to become a fatherfigure (some day). But even that is not a guarantee that your child won't end up brainwashed and deluded and leave you for the greener grass on another continent - just like I did to my own mother - who in turn told me when she was here less than 2 months ago that she feels no love for her own mother!

The shocking revelation shattered my entire vision of happy famillies and reliabilities in the modern world. My mom told me how she feels trapped where she is because of her own mothers illness and dementia. She said that nan's nothing but a libality and burden and the love she once felt, daughter to mother, no longer was there. All that was left was obligation. What a terrible thing to say.. But I could see the logic in her harsh words as well. Because all of a sudden I felt slightly less for my mother.. Her words have reduced the love I have for her and replaced it with disappontment and little bit of contempt.

My mother gave birth to my baby brother Maksim in April 2000 and my sister Marina followed in March 2002. Its crazy but at the time I hated her for deciding to bring up another child - especially considering all the mistakes she made when bringing me up. I felt sorry for the children. I still do.. But I'm happier they are in this world - if purely for selfish reasons. I know I will never return to where I once was and therefore I have no intention of looking after my mother - no matter how sick or demented she gets. I've tried to be there for her in the past but each time it backfired on me and I ended up being the one in need of special care.. LOL

Now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have no guilt for leaving her when I did. Anyone in their right frame of mind would have done exactly the same thing - I just hope that one day Maksim and Marina will understand why I left. One day. When they are old enough to understand..

But until then I have my own future to worry about..

Dan