FEELING BLUEFIRST A WARNING! THIS BLOG IS JUST RANDOM THOUGHTS COMING OUT COMPLETELY RANDOMLY SO DON'T EXPECT IT TO MAKE MUCH SENSE! I JUST NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD!
Life works in mysterious ways!
Now isn't that an understatement of the century!? Full of surprises and unexpected turns you can never prepare yourself fully for what lurks around the corner.
You think you have it all mapped out and you enter the future with your hopes high and your mind set and then WHAM BAM you find yourself sitting in the disabled toilet at work blurring your eyes out and asking yourself; 'What happened??' I'll tell ya what happened. You got exactly what you bargained for! By thinking you're invincible and by arrogantly mapping your own life way ahead of you it looked back at ya and spat right in your face. The question now is; What are you going to do about it? Are you gonna just sit there and take it and wilt like a flower? Or are you gonna take the bull by the horns and show it who's the boss?
Now there is a decision that will either make or break you!
As I write this I'm feeling lost and confused after some of the blows I've been dealt over the last couple of weeks. Altho none are of any particular magnetude, they all seemed to happen simultaneously, causing the foundations of my world to slowly start cracking.
Ever since running away from home as a teenager I've always looked after myself, never wanting to burden anyone else. But being on my own, what I learned along the way I learned from strangers and sometimes when I felt homesick I would think back to old family values. From one troubled marriage my mother fled to another, to another country. Confused and divided between Sweden and Yugoslavia I guess I've always struggled with my identity. So I ran away to the UK - hoping that things would be better.
I can honestly say that I've never felt more confused that I am right now. Its funny though. I used to think that as people grow older all the pieces of the puzzle wold fall into place and BAM one day you'd feel comfortable in your own skin. I know now that its not as simple as that. Lifes generally more complicated and in order to understand life you need to embace it and accept it for what it is; A massive whirlwind that can't be manipulated nor controlled.
Changing your ways of thinking and living isn't the easiest thing, especially not if like mine your mind is so set in its ways that rust has appeared around the edges. But its worth a go. There are times in life when all you want to do is start afresh on a clean slate and something's telling me that that time is about to arrive... once again.
Right now I find myslef in a place where I've just had to sever all ties with my abusive, alcoholic mother after I found out that she completely humiliated herself (and me) during my fathers dead wifes wake. She told the whole (Serbian) party that I was gay - now don't get me wrong, I'm proud of who I am and I would never hide it - but my family in former Yugoslavia are so conservative that they don't understand the meaning of the word. What they picture when they hear the word GAY is death, desease, sodomy and eternal pergatory. Not the healthiest of outlooks for their first born son and grandson. To add salt to injury my mother decided to file for divorce (from her third husband) and wants to seperate my brother Maksim from his sister Marina. She wants to take the girl and start a new life back in Yugoslavia, while the 'bastard' boy is left with his dad in Sweden.
Tell me, are those the actions of a healthy and loving mother?
Now I'm battling an inner turnmoil as I try to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never get a proper chance to see my family from my dad's side. After this ordeal I'm shitting bricks just at the sheer thought of having to explain to them how I've chosen to live my life, wich coincidentally is putting sticks in the wheels of me furthering the exploration of my roots - adding to the confusion and feeling of being lost.
To top everything up it was brought to my attention that my flatmate, best friend and 'sister' has been having great difficulties accepting my boyfriend. Now you can imagine just how big a blow that was considering that we've all lived together for the last 6 months. This new found information is squeezing my heart to pieces and I feel a panick attack coming on. How did it all end up this way? In the beginning she loved him, I'm sure she did, the look in her eyes said everything. Or was I maybe fooled by her relief that I'd found someone so that she doesn't feel guilty for spending most of her time with her own boy?! And now when her own relationship is showing cracks she's made a U-turn on mine?
The feeling of being stuck between your best friend and your lover is such a headf*ck that I cannot possibly begin to describe. It literally feels like my head is about to explode and I am regressing back into a 3 year old just so that I don't have to deal with this issue.
I feel guilty for being in love with a person my best friend doesn't like. At the same time I feel guilty for my boyfriend not liking my best friend! I feel even guiltier for being the one responsible for them living under the same roof - as it was ME who instigated it, it was ME who made it happen and its ME who's now having to sort it out. But how?
She's already said that she want's to move out. Although I know that her financial situation is more reason for that decision than anything else, I still feel bad. I feel bad for 'choosing' my boyfriend over her. True enough, I've known him a fraction of the time that I've known her - but she can never give me what he can, and vice versa. But nonetheless I feel guilty..
Now, she's planning to move out, leave us alone, save up some money and head off to San Francisco where she's gonna try her very own Fresh Start! And as much as I'm sorry to hear that she wants to leave I feel like maybe, just maybe I can have a fresh start myself. But then there's the guilt again and the uncertainty. Will it work? What if it doesn't?? Then what do I do? When my best friend's on the other side of the globe and my loving boyfriend has long forgetten about me?? Then what...?
Like I said; Life is like an whirlwind that cannot be manipulated nor controlled so I'm gonna spread my wings and let it lift me and take me where ever it wants to. I'm ready to accept life for what it is instead of trying to manipulate it into what I'd like it to be.
Maybe this way I won't be facing as many disappointments..
Dan
No comments:
Post a Comment