As an engineer, sometimes, a product gets out in the field with a bug in it. The bug is minor enough that no product recall is issued. However; being me, I have a nagging urge to find out "where I screwed up". That is, I want to find out where in the code I made a mistake - it haunts me.
When I was 35 or so, I was watching TV. There was a news story on about a MAN - a police officer or soldier that had been killed. The news said, "He is survived by a wife and X children".
I thought to myself, "he is survived"... That struck a chord in me. I never had any children. Why? I was a failure at meeting women when I was younger. I seemed to rub them the wrong way (refer to the following links).
Cruising Part I
Cruising Part II
My Only Blind Date
I did not get to "survive". In my youth, women made it clear to me that my "genes" were not worth passing on. A simple "hello" from me was typically met with extremely rude and verbally hostile responses. Even if I had children then, I would have been 53 when they graduated from high-school. Would I be alive at that age?
I know that many men reading this will tell me that the whole "survived" thing you hear on the news is a form of male-shaming - but let's be honest - children are a joy! Everybody I know that has children - talks about their children all the time. I have nephews, nieces etc - it is always a thrill for me to spend time with them.
I set out to find out why I seemed to rub women the wrong way when I was younger...
I came up with a screwball idea at first - post some pictures of me, along with a survey: Do you find this man repulsive - and if so - why?
I thought - nah, that is tacky - some 300 pound guy browsing the internet might be tempted to answer...
What I did was this: I set up profiles on Cupid, Match, E-Harmony and many other "dating" sites. I also spent all my spare time hanging out in coffee shops, book stores, night clubs and whatnot.
Before attempting this, I thought, "Its no good, I'll just get the same reaction as before - why bother - I won't meet any women this way."
I was wrong about that. I started dating women regularly. At the peak, I was getting to know at least one woman every other week. Often, I had two dates on the same day!
The questions I would regularly ask:
Tell me about your ex.
What was it about him that attracted you to him?
How was the relationship?
What do you think of pornography?
Why I asked about pornography - because I have always wondered why porn collections seemed to be exclusively male - how come no women participated? It seemed to me that women objected to porn more often than men. Why are movies that show people killing one another more acceptable than movies showing people having sex with one another?
Also, I had been in a relationship with a woman who was so hell-bent-for-leather against pornography - that whenever I heard about it on the news or whatever, I got sick to my stomach. This woman had gotten me wound up so tight about pornography, that I actually had some psychological issues with it that manifested themselves as physical ailments - something I pride myself on typically NOT having!
Early on, I met a serious psycho (read about it here). I talked to somebody - a psychologist - about the types of head-medications out there, and who I should avoid.
Here is the list he gave me:
Lithium
Seroquel
Resperidol
Geodon
Naldol
Lamictal
To a lesser extent:
Wellbutrin
Prozac
Valium
The encounter with her prompted me to add a question:
Do you take any head medications?
After meeting the lithium psycho - I noticed that all of them were taking head medications. I stopped asking "Do you take head medications?", and started asking:
"What type of head medications do you take?"
I advise any man meeting women to ask such a question, and use the list above as a reference!
Things I noticed overall:
Most of the women I met were in debt, or scraping by somehow. They viewed me not as a man or even a human being, but as a potential source of income.
They all had "diversions". That is, they had an excessive number of pets, were members of strange groups (like wicken cults), or had off-beat and pointless hobbies (an example of this - one woman I met had over 100 paint-by-numbers in her home - and typically bought a new one each week - "filling the void" - another woman had 6 dogs and 3 cats and a snake - I asked her if she was planning to build an "ark").
At the count of 44 (the 44th woman I met), 40 of them came from allegedly abusive relationships (who threw the first punch is another story). Strangely enough, the 4 that did not come from abusive relationships - had pornography collections. I thought this was strange (make love not war???). Were these women more interested in SEX than FIGHTING? Were they past the "sexual oppression" that our culture offers? And hence - acknowledged their craving for sex - instead of being a bitter twisted bundle of oppressed emotions?
Yes, 40/44 came from abusive backgrounds. I met women who had been:
Stabbed.
Shot.
Chased with a Machete
Had to have facial reconstructive surgery.
Had to go to the hospital multiple times
The list goes on...
Curious Side-Fact: Of all the women I met that had dogs, none of them picked up their dogs feces.
I had a notebook, and I kept track of all this information. No joke!
Hair color, eye color, phone number, body type, history of abuse, pornography stance, number of pets, head-medication, and any other information that I thought was pertinent.
A side story about my experiences:
A VERY STRANGE ATTITUDE FROM A MAN:
At one point, I told a friend/coworker what I was doing (studying women). He got absolutely furious.
"WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME DOING THAT!" He shouted at me. I am not positive about this, but I think that if he thought he could have physically overpowered me, his attitude would have turned physically violent.
He also said, "You're a f*cking idiot for wasting your time with that sh*t!" and, "You're acting like a faggot!" during his outburst.
"I'll do as I please - nobody's getting hurt". I told him.
Yes, our friendship ended...
Weird - why did he get so hostile???
We had been friends for 5 years - never an argument between us. When I tell him I am meeting as many women to as possible to study them - to figure out where I went wrong in my youth - he got verbally hostile - and I believe would have gotten physically violent if he were not aware of my martial arts training...
Here are some more noteworthy dates/experiences I feel are worth mentioning.
I Chose Not to Have Children
I Felt so Safe around Him
Maybe You Should Read a Book!
Just Kidding, I don't have one of those Blueberry Things!
You are Such a Bullsh*t Artist!
You are NOT 5'11"
WOOHOO! We're from Washington!
To her, I was more than a bank account
What was it about him that attracted you to him?
The responses I expected to this question were:
"He was really good-looking."
"He seemed to have a good future."
"I was totally attracted to him."
And even (yes I was deluded): "I was in love with him"
Did I get any of those?
Nope. Not once.
What were the typical answers? They are as follows:
I thought I could fix him.
He seemed like such a lost puppy dog.
He seemed so lost without me.
I felt like I had a lot to offer him.
Instead of describing men that they were romantically or lustfully infatuated with, the women kept describing men that were defective in some way or had shortcomings.
This surprised me. I wish I could say it made me feel better about myself - but it was no comfort to realize that the men they hooked up with were defective - my conclusion being - I was not defective when I was younger.
Hearing all the horror stories about how 15 million women are beaten by their husbands or partners every 0.5 seconds made me think that "the biggest, strongest and most aggressive" men get to breed.
That is, the men were simply more aggressive/violent - and hence, got the women.
I quickly came to realize a flaw in my thinking:
THE WOMEN WERE PICKING THE MEN, NOT VICE-VERSA.
My flaw was: Aggressive men (go-getters) were getting the women. It was this aggressiveness that explained why domestic violence was so prevalent.
This is wrong. The women were picking men that they were trying to fix/assist/aide. When they failed to "fix" the men they chose, I have no doubt that they were the ones that became violent and initiated the domestic violence. I had seen such things happen to my friends, and I had it happen to me once.
You go right ahead and call me sexist - hiss and spit all you want:
When a man and a woman get into a physical altercation, the man will usually win. This is because the average man is stronger than the average woman. GROW THE HELL UP AND GET OVER IT.
The fact that women were picking the men made me wonder something else:
Since I was the aggressor in my youth typically - is that what was rubbing the young women the wrong way?
Were they all so hell-bent-for-leather on being the one that got to do the choosing that the idea of a man picking them was repulsive?
I wonder about this still...
My conclusions:
I did not screw up? Seriously??!!
Why were so many women CHOOSING defective men?
Why were there so many women who had done the "choosing" and now were full of spite or regret about their pasts?
After all the talk of "Women's Liberation" and all the bullsh*t about the "Career Woman" and "Feminism", why did women still view men (or at least me) as a bank account?
Why did it seem like women had no interest in men, unless they had more money?
Isn't that the opposite of what the last 50 years of feminazism had preached?
Sorry for the length of this post, but my journey into Women's studies left me with more questions than answers.
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